Quack Attaq

It was an idyllic morning, spent in the cool embrace of (somewhat) freshly washed linens and a glorious breeze through the window. Late morning dreams flitted through my head: beautiful women fawning over my wit, good looks, and stunning command of Monty Python quotes. That kind of thing.

"Oh, TRA!" a particularly statuesque brunette exclaimed. "You truly are the toast of the town!"

A milky pale redhead agreed: "Whatever did we do before you came to please us? What a dull life that must have been."

I demurred. "Ladies, please. There's only one thing worse than being talked about...and that is NOT being talked about!"

The girls went all atwitter.

The gorgeous but ethnically undefined nymph to my immediate right purred in a vague foreign accent: "Oh, do let us take you out and show you off! Be sure to wear one of your 8-bit Star Wars graphic shirts; we love your sense of style."

The other girls assented in a chorus of "Yes, yes! Do!"

"But first," inquired a blonde tart I until now hadn't noticed, "can we but bathe you?"

"If you must, you must."

They helped me to my feet and began disrobing me. The shower was readied; a luxuriant, fragrant steam began to fill the room as we filed into the deluxe tiled washroom. They reached for the soap and began to work up a lather with which to --

QUACK!!

What the hell was that? I looked around.

QUACK!! QUACK!!

A DUCK!? Where was it coming from? How did it get here?

QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!

Suddenly the lather, the steam, the shower...the girls...dissappeared and my eyes shot open.

FUCK!!

QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!!!

That's right. A duck woke me up this morning. Now, let's look at this rationally, shall we?

Where I grew up as a child, I was USED to ducks in the morning. I lived on a small pond. We had ducks, turtles, herons, woodpeckers, snakes...occasionally alligators. But I had long since forgotten how to sleep through the sounds of wildlife.

I life in LOS FREAKIN' ANGELES now. In West Hollywood. There's not a lake around here for miles! And, after two and a half years living here, I've never heard a duck. WHO THE HELL decided to go out and buy a GODDAMN DUCK yesterday afternoon? It's still quacking.

But I have a solution.

Everyone's invited over this weekend for some delicious Duck A La'Orange.

Tell your friends.