Writing Sample

This is the piece that started my fabulous new career in Video Game Reviewery!

Congratulations! You’ve somehow cajoled, bribed, blackmailed or – gasp! – legally obtained a ticket to E3, the Electronics Entertainment Expo. Sure it was tough, but the three Libyans in the VW Microbus seemed satisfied with the exchange. But now that you’ve got your pass to the Greatest Geekgasm on Earth (copyright 2006), you might be feeling a little overwhelmed. Because, let’s face it, if you were a true gamer, you wouldn’t be going on Saturday afternoon, when everyone and their fourth cousin streams out of the woodwork at the LA Convention Center. Don’t sweat it, though. I was once as you are now. Come, suckle at my teat of knowledge as I present to you…

A NOVIATE GAMER’S GUIDE TO E3!!

First thing’s first. You wake up early – hell, you don’t want to be at the end of the line to get in! What to wear? This isn’t ComicCon, after all. The last thing you want is to show up all Final Fantasy-spiky and gouge out the eyes of some poor, underpaid Booth Babe (about which more later!) Remember that the convention center is air conditioned both for the attendees and for the machines. I suggest something comfortable but lightweight; a long-sleeved t-shirt for example. Preferably in black with KILLER GRAFIX to let everyone know you’re not there to mess around. Also, why not bring a bag? The larger, more garish and sturdier, the better. Some booths do hand out bags, but by the end of the day you’ll either have (A) hundreds of tiny bags or (B) one gargantuan paper bag that inevitably breaks after you shove that last, last, LAST free demo of Mystika Knights of Pruumba in. After all, the Number Two, most important thing about E3 is the swag. Number One, of course, is the games. I guess.

Ok, you’re all geared out. You’re wearing your most obscure web comic t-shirt and neon-est Chuck Taylors. You’ve got a bag the size of Edmond Honda. You pull up and park your car exclaiming, “Fifteen dollars!? Double-u. Tee. Eff!?” And then you approach the Gates of E3. Teeming untold masses swirl in front of a few roped-off doors guarded by the most apathetic RentACops this side of a college campus. Here’s your first mistake: didn’t I tell you to wake up early to avoid the crowds? *Sigh.* If you’re not going to heed my advice, why’d you even ask? Ok, fine; if you get there late, I’d suggest either finding a friend in line or occupying yourself at one of the booths not in the main halls. There are plenty to see, and if you just wait a good hour or so there won’t be a line to get in.

Into the fray! The first thing you’ll notice is that E3 is less a trade show than an eighteen-acre arcade. But that’s ok; that’s what you came for. Don’t be overwhelmed by the size and noise and lights and people and monsters and machines with the incessant beeping BEEPING BEEPING! While maps of the floor plan exist, I’d advise against them unless there’s something you KNOW you NEED to see right away (the line to play Wii stretched to 4 ½ hours by mid-morning). Instead, how about a walk around the two main halls? It’s good exercise, you lazy X-Boxer, and it gives you a much better idea of the layout than a map ever could. Plus, you can see for yourself what you might be interested in spending more time at later. Additionally, you might discover you wouldn’t otherwise have noticed. I, for example, was more than bored when I saw Logitech’s booth on the map…but when I wandered around to it, I was enticed into trying out a new car racing Sim with an immersive wheel and gearshift. Much cooler than I thought it’d be.

Whilst drifting around the Expo, you might notice any number of creatures of which to be wary. Primarily, and in greatest number, are the Gamers. Usually a reclusive species, they have been aroused by the promise of new technologies and electronic diversions and have scurried from their natural habitat of dank living rooms where they hibernate most of the year. The bright colors and noises stimulate them into an annual frenzy, 72 hours of awkward socialization and hyperactive game-hounding. By the time you’re able to get into E3 on Saturday morning, though, they will have begun to slink back to their futons, sofas, and Herman Miller Aeron desk chairs. Still, they are dangerous if provoked. Do your best to compete with them for the primo demos, but don’t be selfish with the controllers. After you’ve sampled a game for a few minutes, it’s time to move on and let someone else hit the feeder bar.

You’ll also see plenty of Company Hacks at E3. These are the guys hyping the games, running demo sessions, and answering unasked questions while you try to master your new weapon skills in the new Free Radical FPS. As annoying as they can be, remember that they know far more than you ever can about whatever you’re sampling. After all, that’s what they’re there for. A quick side note on the demo sessions: avoid them at ALL COSTS…unless you really, really, re-heally want to see some other guy playing a game for 15 minutes. You can wait in line for over half an hour, and you don’t see much more that what’s in any game trailer anyway.

Finally, the last species of E3 is not native to this environment. How could it be? I’m talking ‘bout the Booth Babes. Despite promises by the organizers of the Expo, there was no real reduction in the number of Booth Babes this year. And I’m sorry to destroy any illusions, but there is no way that statuesque brunette in High Elven Armor would talk to you if she weren’t getting paid $25/hour. Look at pictures on the Internet from last year’s E3. See how her eyes are looking slightly away? See the smile of controlled toleration? See the body language that practically screams, “For the last time, I don’t CARE how many noobs you popped yesterday on your Halo arena!” You should resent the Booth Babes, not venerate them. They’re taking up valuable floor space that could otherwise be given over to one more Wii console.

You’re nearly ready to explore the mysteries of E3 yourself. One final word on swag, though. Take as much as you can, and sort through it later. Most of it is unabashed crap: game posters, company Post-It pads, pens and pencils and the like. There are plenty of designers that give out demo CDs, though, and several even have t-shirts and strategy books. When you get home, it’s like Halloween: you dump your treasures in a huge pile in your bedroom, hoard them away from your friends and roommates, and eventually separate the good candy (Snickers) from the bad (Circus Peanuts). In the end, there’s enough junk to supply your own booth at next year’s E3, but what you keep may just be worth it.

And that’s it. Keep all of the above in mind, and you may just have the ass-kickingest E3 EVER! What’s that? What did I do this year at E3? I ignored all of my advice and spent 3 hours playing World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade. What can I say? I wanted to see Outland. And the Dark Portal. Oooh, and to try out a Draenei Priest! And a Blood Elf Rogue, did you SEE their racials! The art for Quel’Thalas was AWESOME! And the Nether Drakes, too….