Freelancin'

So I've now finished two pieces for my freelance job, and I think it's going well. My only real problem is that there's no real training process for new freelancers. Which wouldn't really be a problem if it were just a writing job.

But I'm also producing my own piece, which is something I've never done before. Now, don't get my wrong; I 'm not complaining. Not by a long shot. I'm really enjoying this whole process, but I sometimes usually feel a little pretty lost.

Here's a basic rundown of what I do:

1. Get assignment. Wheee! They still like me and will write me another check!

2. Go to G4, retrieve a tape of footage from the game I'll be reviewing. Log clips of the footage. Turn in the tape to be digitized.

3. Play the game myself, if it doesn't look like it sucks too much. Record my own footage if I so desire.

4. Receive the actual review. Someone else has written a 2-5 page dry, technical review. It is my job to turn this into an exciting on-air package.

5. Poke out eyes when I realize how hard it'll be to turn this into something funny.

6. Try to write the script. This usually involves me staring at a blank screen for an hour.

7. Take a couple of belts of scotch.
8. Aaaahhhh!

9. Write the review. Schee, that swasn't scho hard!?

10. Pick out and download music for the piece. G4 subscribes to a really kickass music service that has tens of thousands of public domain and/or original songs. Want French cafe music? Want happy shopping music? Want faux, Queen-style rock? You're in luck, my friend.

11. Have the hosts record my script. I get to be in a sound booth with very minor celebrities! Yay!

12. Edit my piece. This is a 6 hour process that involves me sitting in an edit booth with an editor as we cut the video and audio (music AND dialogue). It's amazing how much you can finagle the audio till it fits perfectly. I decide which video clips go where in the piece. We make it look slick with all kinds of neat effects and graphics. I get notes from the producers while I'm there, we go back for a second pass, and I finally get it approved.

13. Go home and hope they'll call me next week.

Of all these steps, I'm really only familiar with steps 6-8. The rest is pretty much all new. I've never edited before and never produced, but I'm really enjoying it, and hopefully they'll keep asking me to put together packages for them.

Halloween!

Poetry Corner

It’s Halloween in Heaven! Everybody give a cheer!
The fun-filled, frightening festival that comes but once a year.
You might think it odd that we would laud a holiday of fear,
But it’s Halloween in Heaven and we’re oh-so-glad it’s here!

The Pearly Gates are cobwebbed and the clouds are decorated
With spiders and with jack-o-lanterns that we have created.
Our halos leave on Hallow’s Eve, you’ll find they have been traded
For costumes which we’ll wear upon the day that we’ve awaited!

Each one of us wears costumes; we are devilishly dressed
We take to them with gusto, with élan, with verve – with zest!
We give a prize to his whose guise is deemed to be the best.
Our penchant for illusion is particularly blessed.

The angels are devils
In all of their revels
The cherubim dress up as ghosts.
The seraphim horrify –
No longer glorify –
All of the Heavenly Host.

St. Peter’s a warlock
And Paul is a morlock,
The Magdalene came as a hag.
St. Thomas Aquinas
In all of his highness
Has come to the party in drag!

The costume contest launches when the midnight hour nears.
Each beatific breath is baited as the Holy Host appears.
The judgement’s made for masquerade by celestial volunteers:
This year’s winner by consent is Jesus Christ as Britney Spears!

It’s Halloween in Heaven and we’re sad it’s almost done.
The trick or treats are given and we all had lots of fun.
We gave our Lord the hefty hoard of candy He has won.
The planning for NEXT Halloween in Heaven has begun!

Writing Sample

This is the piece that started my fabulous new career in Video Game Reviewery!

Congratulations! You’ve somehow cajoled, bribed, blackmailed or – gasp! – legally obtained a ticket to E3, the Electronics Entertainment Expo. Sure it was tough, but the three Libyans in the VW Microbus seemed satisfied with the exchange. But now that you’ve got your pass to the Greatest Geekgasm on Earth (copyright 2006), you might be feeling a little overwhelmed. Because, let’s face it, if you were a true gamer, you wouldn’t be going on Saturday afternoon, when everyone and their fourth cousin streams out of the woodwork at the LA Convention Center. Don’t sweat it, though. I was once as you are now. Come, suckle at my teat of knowledge as I present to you…

A NOVIATE GAMER’S GUIDE TO E3!!

First thing’s first. You wake up early – hell, you don’t want to be at the end of the line to get in! What to wear? This isn’t ComicCon, after all. The last thing you want is to show up all Final Fantasy-spiky and gouge out the eyes of some poor, underpaid Booth Babe (about which more later!) Remember that the convention center is air conditioned both for the attendees and for the machines. I suggest something comfortable but lightweight; a long-sleeved t-shirt for example. Preferably in black with KILLER GRAFIX to let everyone know you’re not there to mess around. Also, why not bring a bag? The larger, more garish and sturdier, the better. Some booths do hand out bags, but by the end of the day you’ll either have (A) hundreds of tiny bags or (B) one gargantuan paper bag that inevitably breaks after you shove that last, last, LAST free demo of Mystika Knights of Pruumba in. After all, the Number Two, most important thing about E3 is the swag. Number One, of course, is the games. I guess.

Ok, you’re all geared out. You’re wearing your most obscure web comic t-shirt and neon-est Chuck Taylors. You’ve got a bag the size of Edmond Honda. You pull up and park your car exclaiming, “Fifteen dollars!? Double-u. Tee. Eff!?” And then you approach the Gates of E3. Teeming untold masses swirl in front of a few roped-off doors guarded by the most apathetic RentACops this side of a college campus. Here’s your first mistake: didn’t I tell you to wake up early to avoid the crowds? *Sigh.* If you’re not going to heed my advice, why’d you even ask? Ok, fine; if you get there late, I’d suggest either finding a friend in line or occupying yourself at one of the booths not in the main halls. There are plenty to see, and if you just wait a good hour or so there won’t be a line to get in.

Into the fray! The first thing you’ll notice is that E3 is less a trade show than an eighteen-acre arcade. But that’s ok; that’s what you came for. Don’t be overwhelmed by the size and noise and lights and people and monsters and machines with the incessant beeping BEEPING BEEPING! While maps of the floor plan exist, I’d advise against them unless there’s something you KNOW you NEED to see right away (the line to play Wii stretched to 4 ½ hours by mid-morning). Instead, how about a walk around the two main halls? It’s good exercise, you lazy X-Boxer, and it gives you a much better idea of the layout than a map ever could. Plus, you can see for yourself what you might be interested in spending more time at later. Additionally, you might discover you wouldn’t otherwise have noticed. I, for example, was more than bored when I saw Logitech’s booth on the map…but when I wandered around to it, I was enticed into trying out a new car racing Sim with an immersive wheel and gearshift. Much cooler than I thought it’d be.

Whilst drifting around the Expo, you might notice any number of creatures of which to be wary. Primarily, and in greatest number, are the Gamers. Usually a reclusive species, they have been aroused by the promise of new technologies and electronic diversions and have scurried from their natural habitat of dank living rooms where they hibernate most of the year. The bright colors and noises stimulate them into an annual frenzy, 72 hours of awkward socialization and hyperactive game-hounding. By the time you’re able to get into E3 on Saturday morning, though, they will have begun to slink back to their futons, sofas, and Herman Miller Aeron desk chairs. Still, they are dangerous if provoked. Do your best to compete with them for the primo demos, but don’t be selfish with the controllers. After you’ve sampled a game for a few minutes, it’s time to move on and let someone else hit the feeder bar.

You’ll also see plenty of Company Hacks at E3. These are the guys hyping the games, running demo sessions, and answering unasked questions while you try to master your new weapon skills in the new Free Radical FPS. As annoying as they can be, remember that they know far more than you ever can about whatever you’re sampling. After all, that’s what they’re there for. A quick side note on the demo sessions: avoid them at ALL COSTS…unless you really, really, re-heally want to see some other guy playing a game for 15 minutes. You can wait in line for over half an hour, and you don’t see much more that what’s in any game trailer anyway.

Finally, the last species of E3 is not native to this environment. How could it be? I’m talking ‘bout the Booth Babes. Despite promises by the organizers of the Expo, there was no real reduction in the number of Booth Babes this year. And I’m sorry to destroy any illusions, but there is no way that statuesque brunette in High Elven Armor would talk to you if she weren’t getting paid $25/hour. Look at pictures on the Internet from last year’s E3. See how her eyes are looking slightly away? See the smile of controlled toleration? See the body language that practically screams, “For the last time, I don’t CARE how many noobs you popped yesterday on your Halo arena!” You should resent the Booth Babes, not venerate them. They’re taking up valuable floor space that could otherwise be given over to one more Wii console.

You’re nearly ready to explore the mysteries of E3 yourself. One final word on swag, though. Take as much as you can, and sort through it later. Most of it is unabashed crap: game posters, company Post-It pads, pens and pencils and the like. There are plenty of designers that give out demo CDs, though, and several even have t-shirts and strategy books. When you get home, it’s like Halloween: you dump your treasures in a huge pile in your bedroom, hoard them away from your friends and roommates, and eventually separate the good candy (Snickers) from the bad (Circus Peanuts). In the end, there’s enough junk to supply your own booth at next year’s E3, but what you keep may just be worth it.

And that’s it. Keep all of the above in mind, and you may just have the ass-kickingest E3 EVER! What’s that? What did I do this year at E3? I ignored all of my advice and spent 3 hours playing World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade. What can I say? I wanted to see Outland. And the Dark Portal. Oooh, and to try out a Draenei Priest! And a Blood Elf Rogue, did you SEE their racials! The art for Quel’Thalas was AWESOME! And the Nether Drakes, too….

Waiting

Remember that streak of bad luck? The one that cost me hundreds of dollars worth of parking tickets; that kept me unemployed for an entire summer; that continually BEAT. ME. INTO. SUBMISSION.

Remember how as recently as six days ago, I thought it was gone for good; that my luck had finally turned around?

Well.

That bitch Dame Fortune still has it in for me. Dammit.

I received word this morning at work that the show I'm working on may not go after all. That's TV speak for, "Son, you're done." Yup. The days of this show may indeed be numbered, and this before we've even shot a single episode.

Working in TV is fun.

Luckily, however, I still have this freelance thing up my sleeve, so for once, I may land on my feet. We'll see, hopefully, by this afternoon what happens.

Kids, keep refreshing The Reluctant Angeleno!

No Work Pays Off!

Well, it seems that my luck is finally turning around.

After a calamitous summer filled with tickets, unemployment, and vampires, I now have a steady job on a show. This is the good news we've all known for a while.

However, as my previous post indicated, there has been recent potential for another, actual writing job. And. Well. I got it.

Holy Shit.

Don't get too excited, now. This isn't some kind of staff writer job. No, no, we'll leave that to my roommate. However, as of last weekend, I am now on the freelance rotation for G4 TV.

*Crickets*

Come on! G4? You've never heard of it? It's ONLY the most well-known video gamer cable network out there. Right?!

w00t!

I'll let you know more details as they develop, but at this moment here's what I know: I'll be punching up video game review scripts to make them funnier. And nothing says COMEDY like J. Benjamin Rubin! Eh? EH!?

Meh.

Later, I'll post the writing sample that started it all. Ooooh.

Potential Writings

I got an email today, the contents of which will remain a mystery to you readers.

However...

If all goes well, big things might be afoot. VERY big things. At least, relative to my current state.

Well, let's be honest: being a ratcatcher in London during the Plague Years might be construed to be a Very Big Move from my current state.